Yesterday was a particularly hard day for me. For some it’s a time for celebration. Yes, we should do that as well. But knowing someone should be here and realizing they aren’t is a hard blow. So today I wanted to write something. Something deeply personal but, perhaps, something many people can understand. It’s fitting that his birthday falls during National Poetry Month.

I miss him so much, and today especially. Happy Birthday, Jonghyun.


You should still be here.
I know it’s crude to say.

The first time I wept was from shock
++++++++It cracked into me like angry lightning
++++++++from silent skies at dawn

I didn’t know you but felt our journeys
++++++++were the same
++++++++our moons mutually inconstant

The next time I wept was silent
++++++++a downpour in my chest, easy to flood
++++++++my organs because of the hole left there

But you never stopped singing.
Not really.

There were blue songs and red pain, bruises
of experience worn beneath
++++++++your wrists and fingertips

You should still be here.
I know it’s crude to say.

It’s not fair to celebrate
++++++++a birthday
++++++++when the one we toast has gone back
++++++++++++++++to the universe that birthed him.

Tears appear easier now
++++++++but are more hesitant

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++to fall

Still
++++++++feeling so much without being able to
++++++++tell anyone
Still
++++++++cracked like dry earth and thick
++++++++when the rain comes
Still
++++++++blue like the moon
++++++++like you, lost in the cosmos

You should still be here.
I know it’s crude to say.

(Photo edit by Cy.)


Please, if you’re feeling lost, if you need someone to talk to, if you just want someone to listen, know that there are people in the world who care for you. If you have an urgent need for help, reach out. You are loved, just as he was and still is loved. Your birthday means something to someone. Don’t be alone. The world would be a dimmer place without you in it.

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